When it Hurts the Most

 I am seeing a trend where I only show up here when my cup full of emotions is overflowing and there is not a soul on earth I am willing to verbally process with. 

What does that say about me? 

My inner circle is very small....or perhaps non-existent.

Self preservation has led me to be extremely cautious about who I "let in." Through the years, occasionally I have let my guard down and invited someone inside. Inevitably their actions and/or inactions, words and/or silence, blatant and/or intentional lack of consideration rips me apart. My heart actually, physically aches. This has been my entire life's theme. 

Yet, in the center of my rough & tough exterior is a big wad of mushy, very intense feelings. Every perceived offense, intentioned or absentminded, leads me to want to strengthen that exterior until it's impermeable. 

Do I realize that is not healthy? Of course. 

Does that change my knee-jerk desire to do it? No. 

Does that knowledge decrease the amount of pain I feel? Not one bit. 

However, self-awareness is important. This is the first step to "taking every thought captive to obey Christ." As I have been striving to 'think about what I'm thinking about,' I realize that, at times, my thoughts and feelings are taking me captive instead. I am too swift to react rather than to contemplate and respond. This is particularly evident when I am feeling a lot. 

Among my unregulated, knee-jerk reactions: 1) complete silence, 2) biting sarcasm, 3) distancing from the perceived offender, and 4) over analyzing. In addition to the previously mentioned actual, physical heart pain, I often end up with an intractable migraine + vomiting.

In writing this, it strikes me that people who don't know me might have the impression that I am a wildly reactive, feeler. No. That is not accurate. In fact, those folks are the bane of my existence. At the very least, they are a great puzzle to me. Perhaps that is among the reasons I have endeavored to avoid becoming one. 

Which came first? Repetitive emotional trauma or a distaste for dramatic reactions to things I consider petty? Only God knows. 

To be continued....