I think that my 19th year on this earth was my favorite. I actually cried and cried when I turned 20 because I was no longer a teenager. I lived in Phoenix at the time, was the prestigious "Assitant Manager" at Baskin Robbins, was travelling around with a rock band...I won't divulge the name...and just having a good ole time.
When I look back on those times, I realize there was something missing. I think that I knew there was something missing at the time but was quite uncertain of exactly what that was. I know now that it was the presence of God in my life.
I made a few real friends, of which I still have a couple. I also made a lot of enemies.
That is probably my biggest regret from those days.
Why did I make enemies? Because I was selfish with a capitol 'S'.
I want what I want and ASAP, forget the niceties of "please & thank you". If I didn't get what I wanted, I found a way to manipulate the situation so that I could. I stepped on toes and hearts...plenty of them...along the way.
Now that I do have God in my life, I ask myself if I am still just as selfish as I was back then. Am I still stepping on people's toes? On their hearts? Do I manipulate situations in order to get what I want? I have had people tell me that I have a big heart. I wonder if they really see what's inside of me or if they are just "pumping sunshine" as I like to call it.
I am a no nonsense kind of person. I don't like being lied to, and I don't lie to others because that is the way I expect to be dealt with--honestly. If it must be brutal, bring it on, just say it like it is. When someone tells me what they think I want to hear just to fudge on the truth, tell a "white lie", omit details, etc....to me, that is blatant dishonesty. The reason I feel so strongly about this is that my Dad pounded it into my head, AND I learned at an early age how to do just that to other people in order to get my way. I was a pro at it. Not something I like to admit, but true none the less. I have not practiced these tactics for years, however, and that is something I am proud to say.
What does any of this have to do with current events? Let's just say that I am aware of a situation where I believe these very tactics are being used, and I am on the receiving end of it. I question whether or not I have been duped. I wonder through most of every waking moment if I am being punished for my past. I AM a Christian. I KNOW that Christ died for me, so my sins could be forgiven. He wiped my slate clean. Does that mean that on this earth, I won't have to pay for my past. I believe it does...so why is this happening? Is this a test of faith for me? Is this what I needed to jar me back into Spiritual reality? I have become such a transparent person in my growth as a Christian, and probably an easy target. I may very well have a bullseye painted on my back and not even realize it.
"So, you bright, intelligent woman, why are you telling the world all of this via internet?"
It stops now. Today.
I can be strong enough to allow God to guide me through the next chapter in my life, and I will. I am determined. Have I stated this already? Yes, I have and I mean it.
Today is the beginning of the week and the first day of the rest of my life.
I'm done with the past. ALL of it. I am starting fresh.
Yes, God and I have discussed it and He will be with me every step of the way. If it creates a little heartache on my end...so be it. There's been plenty of that going on anyway. So....19 days and counting?
How about Day #1 and taking it step by step?
Yes, I'm on my way.
All I can say is frommy experience...in my life, I have found that God presents obstacles for me to overcome for a reason. I have found that when I really think about it, I realize what that reason is; and this makes it so much easier for me to deal with the problem. God bless.
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