Finality

    

Two years ago today. 

I vividly remember taking these photos. I vividly remember the conversations that took place in the airport coffee shop just before snapping them. Mom and I held hands and cried. We had just come to the end of an incredible 12 days together. She had to leave, but neither of us wanted her to go. We vowed to remember that even if this was our last time to part ways, we would say, "see you later," because as members of God's kingdom, there are no permanent goodbyes. 

No finality. 

As I spend time here in my passport country, sorting through her clothes and belongings, there are times I forget the 'no finality' part. It just hurts. The wounds feel fresh. The grief is grueling. The photo reminder that it's just been 2 years since I was in her physical presence hit a little harder today. 

I pray that she never wondered, even for one second, whether I loved her. I pray she never questioned how much she meant to me. I pray that she never felt used, abused, or belittled by me. I pray there was never a day she felt afraid in my presence. I pray after her long life of feeling all of that regularly, that she felt a peace, a comfort, a 'home' with me. She said so, and I trust that it was genuine. 

Above all, there is great joy in knowing that she is now in the presence of pure love, pure truth, pure peace. There are moments when my longing for her feels so heavy I fear it will crush me, and it would if I did not give it to the Lord.  

Isaiah 53:4a "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows..." 

Mom has joined that great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1), and though I don't see her with my eyes, she is still with me. (Half of my DNA is hers!) We will meet again in the new heaven and earth.

Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, not pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." 

[This is true finality.] 

See you later, mom. I love you MOST.

Through the Eyes of a Child

Through the Eyes of a Child

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, Philippians 2:5

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

...to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone. Titus 3:2

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:3

Here I am in my passport country. I made it. I have been stateside 16 days now. To say the adjustment has been challenging is a vast understatement. My first couple days was very busy, which helped flip my body clock's sense of day and night. Everything (yes I mean EVERYTHING) feels like an assault to my senses. 

I was low-key interrogated in customs; it took over an hour to get through. The air is crisp and fresh--and COLD (I live on the equator). I hear one (no-accent) language being spoken, and I understand every word. I can read all the signs and billboards. I recognize roads, landmarks, places. So it should feel like "home," right? 

No. The price of a pizza here is equivalent to a monthly electric bill where I live--and that's IF I use the AC all day, every day. People here waste more food in one day than some families I know hope to eat in one week. There is a lot of traffic...but drivers show no courtesy, plus they are on the opposite [wrong] side of the road. I can go into a church, sit through the service, the "greet each other" time, and walk out afterward without a single person speaking to me. But aren't I happy to be "home?"     

No. I had my days roughly planned out to ensure I would spend plenty of time with my grandsons, while just resting and adjusting. My typical day to day involves a lot of online work, a lot of interacting in a different language, and with mainly adults. The only child I interact with regularly is just now beginning to say words. Spending time with my three, precious grands is so wonderful. However, my introvert is majorly overloaded. They talk a LOT. They talk FAST. They are speaking English, but sometimes I still have to strain to understand what they are saying. I know my "concentration" face appears to be a "mad" face, so I am trying to set aside any stress or lack of understanding that may be clouding my facial expression. It is hard work!

I have been staying in (what used to be) my mom's apartment. There is a scent that reminds me of her and our sweet fur baby, Cleopatra. That is all that is left of her there. Everything has been rearranged, changed, piled up in storage. She, and everything about her has been all but erased from the space. There's a poster-size photo of her from her memorial, some artwork she loved, and her ashes in a box on a shelf. No mom. No Cleo. No warmth. "Home?" 

No. I have observed my grandsons interactions with each other through the lens of seeing the world "as a child." Jesus said the Kingdom of Heaven belongs those who would be as children. The photos above show my youngest's quick sketch of me. What does he see? My head, glasses, hair, eyes, mouth, and necklace. Those are the parts he saw and considered important to draw. Does the sketch look like me? Actually, yes it does. I'm not sure it would pass as one to be used in a line-up, but yes!

Along with all of the above, I have had some extremely challenging emotions to process since I've been stateside. Here are just the major ones:  

1. Re-entry (regardless how brief it will be)

2. Grief (Mom's only been gone 1.5 years, she was my 'person,' and I'm sleeping in the [VERY much changed] space where she [AND our fur baby] lived and died.

3. My 4th day stateside, my Nanna died (Mom's mom).

4. My grands shared their virus with me, and I have been quite sick for 1/2 the time I've been here.

5. I exist here under the incredibly heavy expectation to be basically normal, healthy. 

I am barely over 2 weeks in. I have what feels like a LONG time to go. While I know that no place on earth will feel like home--especially since mom went to Jesus--I do have the privilege of spending the next week in a different place. I have felt more at home since I arrived in this house than during the entirety of my time stateside. The calm and peace is overwhelming. This will be an ideal location for my prayer/fasting time. He always provides!   

I want to see the most important things. I want to view this entire experience "Through the Eyes of a Child." I want to be that child, sitting at the feet of Jesus, listening to His wisdom. Deeply soaking in His grace. His mercy. His kindness. His SPIRIT. I just want to clearly see what, in all of this, does He find important? How can I make sense of this to sketch it out? What lessons does He want me to learn? How is He stretching and growing me? 

I will trust His timing. I have the next 7 days slated for prayer, fasting, and asking Him to guard my soul.

 God is sheer mercy and grace;

not easily angered, he’s rich in love.

He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold

nor hold grudges forever.

He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve

nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.

As high as heaven is over the earth

so strong is his love to those who fear him.

And as far as sunrise is from sunset

he has separated us from our sins.

As parents feel for their children

God feels for those who fear him.

Psalm 103: 8-13

  

All Things New

Behold! He makes all things new!

The new year typically brings "new year's resolutions" that last a few days or, in some cases, maybe weeks-months before they fall by the way side and we find ourselves stuck in the same old ruts. We wake up on January 1 the following year with the same resolutions, rinse, and repeat. 

I am not a fan of new year's resolutions. I am a fan of making short and long term goals followed up with evaluating and re-evaluating throughout the year. (Not saying I am successful at this, just that I'm a fan of it!) This new year, my son preached a wonderful sermon at his church. It was an encouragement to do away from the pattern of annual resolutions that we most often break and, instead, focus on transforming our lives. You can watch it here if you like:  New Year, New Me?

Romans 12:2 ...do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Before we can transform anything, we must see it as it truly is. If we aim to transform ourselves, we must have access to an accurate reflection. There are many things that have the potential to obscure our reflection; way too many to discuss in one post. The one I have been drawn to consider is CHAOS. 

Several years ago, I set a goal to read through the whole Bible each year, a different translation each time. This year, I'm reading the NKJV (The YouVersion Bible App helps me stay on track!). In recent months, water has been a repetitive theme in studies, listening prayers, and discussions with Kingdom brothers and sisters. As I began my Bible reading for the year, that water theme jumped right out. Genesis 1:2 "The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters." 

The first matter to exist was a formless, empty(void), dark, deep glob: a glob of chaos. "Formless and void" are translated from Hebrew, 'tohu wa-bohu,' depicting a place of chaos, formless, emptiness, a wasteland" (Brown-Driver-Briggs Lexicon). It is hard to envision such a vast, unwieldy mass of chaos ("the deep").  Before God created any living creature, including mankind, He brought chaos into order, separating the waters and forming dry land. It was not until the flood that He released these waters (chaos) to destroy the earth. 

There are several references in Scripture relating to overwhelming, frightening, chaotic waters and God's power over them. Among them are: Genesis 6-9 (the flood), Psalm 124 God protecting his people), Mark 4:35-41/Luke 8:22-25 (Jesus calmed the storm), James 1:6-8 (lack of faith=tossed by the waves), and Revelation 21:1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea." 

No more sea = NO MORE CHAOS

Somehow, this is the first time I've seen the connection here. John's vision emphasized there was no more chaos. When I saw the meme at the beginning of this post, I thought of this verse. The FIRST thing that must happen for anything to become new/for any transformation to occur: Remove the chaos. We are not capable of seeing an accurate reflection in the midst of mildly flowing water, let alone boiling, stormy water. 

My own chaos typically arises from time management failure and takes the form of busy-ness, struggling to say, 'no,' wild and wandering thoughts, anxiety, and excessive social media engagement. In my own strength, I am not capable of overcoming the chaos that defines my life. Thankfully, I don't have to tackle it alone! God said, "Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10 

Is He saying to just give up and stop trying? Of course not. Throughout this Psalm, He emphasizes that regardless what kind of chaos we're fretting about; 

HE is present. 

HE is in control. 

HE has power over it. 

HE is our refuge. 

The first step to a transformed self is to seek HIM. He is the calm, still, living water. Only in HIM do we find refuge and the solace to see ourselves clearly, confess our weaknesses, and let HIM lead us into newness. 

Behold! HE makes all things new!

My True Haven

 "But our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a 

Savior from there, The Lord Jesus Christ." 

When I left my birth country to move overseas, I knew I was saying, "See you later," to my tiny inner circle (a handful of adults + 3 littles). What I did not know, however, was that I would never again tryly feel like I belong. Anywhere. With anyone. 

Naturally, since I live outside the country where I was born and grew up, I am an outsider. My instinctive world view is different. I look different. I talk different. I am learning, but still speak the new language at about a grade school level. Some days, piling my extreme introversion on top of being an outsider makes life's most basic activities feel like a daunting mountain of tasks. I often battle the urge to crank my AC, grab a coffee, and curl up in my fuzzy blanket with a good book. My own little haven of escape. 

I returned to my birth country briefly in the Summer of 2023 when my mom suddenly passed away. I can't honestly say I ever felt like I belonged there either, but after losing her that feeling became overbearingly intense. I often told her, "Home is wherever you are." A quick scan back through my life reinforces the consistent theme that I have never really belonged anywhere, with anyone. With one exception. From the time I was born, the longest I ever lived in a. home was 11 years, and that was the most recent years before I moved overseas. Incidentally, mom lived with me that entire time. That home felt like a haven.

I am currently preparing to return my birth country for a few months. While I am looking forward to seeing friends there, I am keenly aware that I will be as much of an outsider there as I am here. Perhaps even more so. People ask me, "Are you excited to go home?" I don't know how to respond to that. My internal response is, "Where, exactly, is home?" 

I have often said that my life with all its drama, trauma, and frequent moving + goodbyes was God's way of preparing me for this season. I recognize the truth in that now more than ever. The feeling of not having a true haven here keeps me from sinking my roots too deeply into this world's soil. 

Paul reminded us in Philippians 3:20 that "Our citizenship is in heaven." 

Jesus prayed in John 17 15-16, 18, "I do not pray that You should take them out of this world, but that you should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. As you sent Me into the world, I have also sent them into the world." 

Again, Paul reminds us of Whose we are in Romans 1:5-6, "Through Him we have received grace and apostleship for obedience to the faith among all nations for His name, among whom you are also the called of Jesus Christ." 

God created me to belong. To his global body but, more importantly, to HIM. He created me with the desire...the urgency to belong. He also led me to and walked with me through circumstances that would refine me, building the grit and resilience required for each new season. 

My sovereign, gracious Father created me to be HIS. He knows every inch of me, every thought, every word, every move. He went before me, blesses me, and will come behind me (Psalm 139:1-5). 

I certainly do belong. Adopted as a precious daughter into his family, his kingdom. I belong to HIM. 

He is home. 

He is my True Haven.