Seeking Wisdom in Joseph's Story (4)

 Let's talk about that false accusation. (Genesis 39:19-20)

Actions have consequences, right?  Well, in this case, the innocent party suffered as one guilty while the one who spoke falsehood was left with nothing but her conscience to convict her. Joseph paid the consequences for her spiteful, fictitious accusation. It just feels wrong and backwards, doesn't it? Even knowing the end of the story is not much consolation for how the injustice of it feels. 

God is with Joseph and gives him the strength to maintain his integrity. Oh how hard would it have been to remain silent in the face of her lies and his resulting punishment and humiliation? How humble and full of faith he was. Scripture does not record a hint of retaliation on Joseph's part. Surely he was tempted to redeem his reputation and prove his innocence! Yet here he was, in Egypt, faced with her word against his. Naturally, Potiphar believed her and acted accordingly. Besides her and Joseph, God alone knew the truth. 

So Joseph patiently bears up first under his family's mistreatment, and now under this lying woman's accusations. His only satisfaction was God's favor and a clear conscience. 

Joseph could have tooted his own horn about his history of impeccable work ethic, loyalty, and leadership skills, but he remained quiet and humble. He knew that his value was in God alone, and he patiently waited for his Master's guidance. Joseph was a willing servant, ready to give God all the glory. 

Hebrews 12:1,2 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Joseph is cited among that great cloud of witnesses. His integrity, humility, and powerful faith in this encounter alone is awe inspiring. Enduring hardship and persecution while maintaining godly character is challenging and often feels impossible. Jesus was the only One to ever do so perfectly. The path He lays for us may look daunting at times, but when God is with us, we can not fail. 

I look forward to digging in and discovering more in the next part of his story. 

Seeking Wisdom in Joseph's Story (3)

Remember from last time that Joseph, the beloved son of Jacob, has just been betrayed by his own brothers and sold into slavery. He was purchased by Potiphar, the (Egyptian) captain of Pharaoh's guard.

Joseph's story continues in Genesis chapter 39. His life situation had just changed drastically. He went from being 'spoiled' as his father's favorite to being thrown away like trash by his own brothers. There must have been at least a brief period of fear and uncertainty for Joseph, right? Scripture doesn't specify. Whatever his feelings were, however, he proved to be virtuous and prudent from the very start.

"The Lord was with Joseph, so he became a successful man, and he was in the house of his master, the Egyptian." Genesis 39:2

God was with him! He maintained virtuous character regardless of what his own family had done to him. The Lord gave him success in everything he did. Joseph's work ethic was so good that Potiphar put him in charge of his house and all he owned! Indirectly, Potiphar reaped benefit through God's favor on Joseph. 

Potiphar's wife soon begins to lust after and pursues Joseph, begging him to sleep with her. He refuses, stating in verse 9, "...How then could I do this great evil and sin against God?"  It would have been easy enough, considering he had charge over the place but, again, he maintained his character and said no. So one day she catches Joseph alone. He still says no, even runs! She is angry and spiteful, and falsely accuses him so he is thrown into prison. 

Another drastic life change. What a rollercoaster! 

Thoughts for personal reflection: 

1. Psalm 37:23, "The steps of a man are established by the Lord and He delights in his way." Proverbs 16;9 The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. 

Sometimes I think God must chuckle at how "in control" we think we are of our life. We can make all kinds of plans, but ultimately it is God who lays the path. 

2. Joseph suffered great losses! His life as favorite son in the palace, his favored position of watching over his brothers, his family--especially Jacob,  his position of authority in Potiphar's house. Yet in the face of each major loss, he persisted with virtue and prudence. God was with him! 

3. Gen 39:2 "God was with him so he was a successful man." We need to realize that if we are prospering in life, work, etc, it is only because our Lord is with us. It is Him who causes us to succeed. Regardless what people do to try to derail us--even our own family--if God is with us, we can not fail. God may even use us to bless others. (The world was blessed through Abraham! "...I will bless you, and make your name great; and so you shall be a blessing." Genesis 12:2)  

We are blessed to be a blessing! 

4. Sometimes we have to get radical to avoid sin! I can't say with certainty whether I could run outside naked to flee a situation like the one Joseph was in. Especially if I was in such a position of power. That took a lot of grit and fortitude! Integrity is doing what's right, even when nobody is looking, right? Joseph knew God was present. His love for, and desire to serve God outweighed everything else! I aspire to that kind of faith and dedication to my Almighty!! 

Desperately Seeking...

 

Recently I saw this bouquet on a friend's coffee table. Initially, the bright colors drew me in. On close inspection, as you can see, it is made of something like legos. It's not real. From a distance, it looks as if it might genuinely be a freshly cut bouquet. The closer you get, the more clear it is that its flowers are artificial. 

That is what my world feels like since mom left this earth. I have been desperately seeking something real. Something solid I can hold onto. Yes, my faith is strong. Yes, I KNOW the Lord God is my Anchor and I am tethered to Him. That does not change the fact that I long for something. 

Of course, it makes sense that I just want my mom back. She was the one person who could listen to me think out loud, vent, verbally process my feelings--logic displaced or even absent--she could not have cared less. She was just there with open arms to listen. She patiently accepted me with all my flaws. She loved me agape-style. She told me every time we talked that she loved me and was proud of me. That I was "her person." 

And she was mine. 

"You don't know what you've got until it's gone" right? I did know though. I knew to my core what I had and I cherished it. I deeply cherished her while she was here. 

My encounters with people are...interesting. There is a clear expectation for me to function with the same level of logic, tolerance, and clear mindedness (None of which were top notch pre-loss, mind you). I should not, but I do attempt to communicate and function "normally" anyway. I fail. Essentially every time. 

I set boundaries, mainly to keep from subjecting others to my persistent grief state; my jumbled thoughts, emotions and M.I.A. ability to process. Then I fail to honor my own boundaries. Guess who would have just rolled with it? Who would never expect me to have a clear mind right now? Who would not tell me I have changed, I don't make any sense at all, I'm not joyful enough, I seem "down," I am illogical, I am ________________, or I am not____________? 

❤ MOM ❤

Do I expect special treatment? No. I suppose I am just desperately seeking a safe place...or person. Thus far, the nearest I've found is a Facebook group with hundreds of women who have lost their moms. I particularly recognize the ones whose relationships with their mom was as close as mine. They "get me." I could have written any of their thousands of posts. I could pour my heart out there, as many of those women do. They are real people, but I don't personally know them. I have yet to meet a "safe" person who understands. 

I will not downplay anyone's grief. Loss is brutal. I have experienced several profound losses (deaths) in my life-grandparents, relatives, dear friends....even my dad. I know grief is personal and excruciating in any case. However, nothing compares to this. Nothing. My grief counselor confirmed that people describe losing a same-sex parent as the deepest loss they've experienced. I was broken when I lost dad, but this has shattered me. 

It almost irritates me when people (especially women) who still have their moms expect me to be rationally processing life events. When people tell me I'm not making sense. Well guess what? Nothing makes sense right now! It has been 3 1/2 months since I lost my mother. My "Ride or Die." My best travel buddy. My first and best friend. 

My person. 

Remember that artificial bouquet? That is what my world looks like right now. A whole lot of words, packaged to (look) sound genuine, but if I drill down a bit--they are not. How can they be? People say they understand--and they may even believe it--but until they're in my shoes, they can not. It's simply impossible. 

One tidbit of advice from me after being just 3 1/2 months into the grief process: 

If you know someone who's lost their same sex parent, please do not expect them to be rational in their thoughts, speech, problem-solving ability, or anything else that requires a clear head. If you still have your parents, don't tell them you understand them. You do not. You can not. Regardless of how desperately you or they wish you could. 

It is lonely in this place. The only thing that holds me together is my relationship with Jesus. My Anchor...my Rock...my salvation...my hope. 

Lord Jesus, Bread of Life, I praise You with all that I am. Living Water, I feel parched. I need You to fill me. Pour Your Spirit into me until I am overflowing, Lord. Let my overflow bring Your name glory. I am nothing without You Lord. An empty shell, fragile and cracked. Fortify me with Your Sprit Lord. Make me like You. Precious Jesus, I surrender all to You. I am desperately seeking Your face. 

Offering

So here it is, my alabaster heart 

I'm keeping nothing back from who You are

No hidden treasure veiled by key or lock

You're a lifetime of worship and that's only just the start

Here it is, my every waking day

The minutes, hours, years of endless praise

'Cause You're worthy far beyond all I could say

There's a lifetime worth of worship in the nuance of Your names

 Let it rise like incense

My whole life a fragrance

Every ounce here broken at Your feet

Every breath an offering

My heart cries these lungs sing over You

My worthy King of Kings

There it is, Your alabaster cross

Giving all You are for all I'm not

I can't believe that's the kind of King You are

How could I not bring a lifetime worth of worship to You, God? 

All my love...all my heart

You can have it all.

~Kalley Heiligenthal~

100 Days

Dearest Mom, 

In about an hour, it will be the 100th day since you went home to Jesus. You know, it's also Milton's birthday...and the day before Norvin's. We are just a family full of one-offs! 

Here, where I live, people have a big celebration on the 100th day after someone leaves the earth. The thought of celebrating turns my stomach. When I see other people doing all the "fun" things...it's almost irritating. It's not that I want anyone to suffer. It just feels like when you left, my joy disappeared and hasn't come back yet. It's hard mom. Sometimes the pain overwhelms every ounce of me. There is so much tension between being beyond happy for you because you're in the arms of Jesus, yet also feeling the deepest devastation of knowing that I won't have another earthly moment beside you. 

I know you are in Paradise. I know that you are whole and pain free. I know you are in His presence. 

I know that is a reason to celebrate, but....

How can I when I also know....

No more road trips...or travel of any type together. 

No more holding hands. 

No more 3am phone calls.

No more hugs. 

No more kisses. 

No more of your playful little pinches. 

No more playing games. 

No more sharing fresh coconuts. 

I will lament, mom. 

If He wakes me up again tomorrow, I will praise our faithful Father and ask Him to let me feel a bit of joy on your 100th day with Him. 

Oh mom, I miss you so. 

 

Seeking Wisdom in Joseph's Story (2)

 I have not forgotten. I am still seeking wisdom from the story of Joseph (beginning in Genesis 37).

After Joseph's brothers go off to work feeding their father's flocks, their father (Jacob) sends Joseph to check up on them and report back to him. As previously noted: Joseph was great at being an inspector and "telling on them" to their father, Jacob. Joseph was ready & willing to go do so again. He had to do some searching, but with a little help he found them in Dothan. When Joseph's brothers saw him coming, they plotted to kill him. 

V20 says, "....We shall see what becomes of his dreams!" 

So their murderous ideas came from hearts of envy and revenge. Not necessarily against Joseph, specifically, but against the revelations he received from God through his dreams. I can't help but feel like a young Joseph, who had been blatantly favored by Jacob, might have had a bit of arrogance in the manner with which he delivered his dreams' content, but that is speculation because Scripture does not explicitly say so. 

Thankfully one brother, Reuben, wanted to save Joseph's life. He talked his brothers out of killing him but tossing him into a pit instead. He had his own secret plan to later return and get him out. Could Reuben have been seeking to gain a little favor from Jacob? Maybe. 

Joseph's brothers were sick of him and wanted to humiliate him. When he reached them, they stripped him of his special "coat of many colors," and threw him into a pit in the desert. Then they went to grab a bite to eat. I imagine the whole scene took Joseph by surprise. Surely the scene had begun in a similar manner many times before. 

So they look up from their meal and see a group of Ishmaelites approaching. Another brother, Judah, realizes they can not only get rid of Joseph without having to kill him, but make a profit from it also. They sold Joseph as a slave to the Ishmaelites. Reuben seemed distraught when he returned to the pit to find Joseph missing, but it appears he went along with his brothers to kill a goat, dip Joseph's coat in it, and bring it back to Jacob, claiming they found it this way and knew nothing of Joseph's fate. 

Jacob was inconsolable. How diabolically cruel of Joseph's brothers to give their father his special, bloody coat and let his imagination go wild. It seems their envy and thirst for revenge was not merely pointed at Joseph, but at Jacob also. 

Meanwhile, the Midianites who bought Joseph took him to Egypt and sold him to Potiphar, the captain of Pharaoh's guard. 

Just a few thoughts/questions I'm pondering from this portion of the story: 

1) At this point in the story, no one within it is aware of how God's plan will unfold. I wonder what Joseph is thinking: Was he terrified? Confused? Prayerful? Hopeful when they pulled him out of the pit? Calm and full of faith? Is he feeling any regret for consistently sharing his dreams/the way he shared them? Is he wondering what his dreams meant and how they could possibly come to fruition now that he is Potiphar's slave in Egypt?

2) Did that 20 shekels of silver satisfy the brothers' revenge craving? Did it sustain the satisfaction when they saw Jacob's reaction to the perceived, brutal death of his beloved son? Did they feel any regret at all? Did Reuben know what actually happened to Joseph? 

3) Life events, partial information, and misleading messages can cause our imagination to conjure up plenty of untruths. It is important to discover all the facts rather than make assumptions and jump to conclusions. 

4) Even after we have all the facts, the enemy will pounce every chance he gets. He will capitalize on our vulnerabilities to try and convince us that his evil lies are true. What we believe to be true will shape our actions. (Just as Jacob believed Joseph had been ripped to shreds & refused to be consoled). 

5) We are promised eternal life in Christ. How often do I allow my circumstances to drown out that perfect truth? 

We know the end of Joseph's story and that God's perfect plan was at work throughout his life. Pondering these thoughts & truths until next time. 

Sleep Deprived....Again

November 2. Today I will be grateful for this blog. It's been here all these years, patiently waiting for me to come back to it. No rush, no pressure.  

The first day I ever posted here: March 12, 2010

What did I say? 

This: 

Sleep Deprived

So.....I worked last night from 7pm to 7am, then I went home, packed some stuff & drove to Spokane to visit Mom & Nanna. I have travelled that road SO many times in my youth...but I never appreciated the magnificence of it. It is truly amazing to see what God created with simply a word. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to explore the many wonders He placed here for all to see. How can anyone deny our powerful Creator?

Who could have imagined that in September of 2021, I would go to Spokane and visit my Nanna for the last time? 

Who could have imagined that on March 12, 2023 (12 years after that post), I would be living overseas & mom would travel here to visit me; The last time either of us would travel to be together this side of Heaven. 

Who could have imagined how much sadness one heart can hold. How deep that sorrow can burrow in. How much I could miss one tiny, precious woman. 

So, here I am. Sleep deprived again but for a whole different reason. And still proclaiming the glory and awe of our powerful Creator. 

86 Days

My best travel buddy

I can't believe it's November 1st already. 86 days since mom went to be with Jesus. I used to make "thankful" posts on social media for each day in November. Today, my Facebook memories brought up my post from 11/1/2017, 

"I am grateful to have my wonderful & loving mom close by 💚

#day1

#joinmeinbeingthankful" 

And she commented, "And I am thankful to have YOU"

Today, I will be thankful for her sweet, tender heart and the memory of her beautiful smile. 

I miss her. 

💔