Looking Back....

HA!

I went back to the beginning and read my entire blog.

Sometimes, I am frightening, even to myself!

Then....I look back into the journals I have at home. The emotions penned within.

The (copied & saved) e-mail conversations.

"Notes" saved on my iPhone.

There have been a couple of times when there was actually a tiny hint of effort...

I know, however, the motivation behind those times. I won't elaborate because, publically, it's inappropriate.

AND I WONDER...

What in the world took me SO long to open my eyes to the reality of my situation?

I've been asked this question on numerous occasions.

How would I respond? My 'Pat' answer was:

"I have to do everything in my power or God will not be pleased with me."

Poor Kory. I hate that I put him through this. They say children are resilient.

TRUE!

Kory tells me that he knows without a doubt that I was always looking out for his best interest and that he's happy things turned out the way they have. He would have been overjoyed if I had just taken him out of the situation, but he is even happier now because it gave him the opportunity to see things clearly. No doubt in his mind that I have done the right thing. No doubt in mine either.

NOW....

No more:

"You can't work there!"

or

"That is so stupid!"

or

"You could really stand to lose some weight!"

or

"Let me say this real slow so you can get it:...."

or

"Did I not type that slow enough for you?"

or

"You are certifiably insane, crazy, loony...you need help"

or

"Isn't there a pill or something you can take for that?"

or

"Maybe if you weren't so difficult..."

or

"Why don't you do more around here?"

or

"I'm not trashing, If I spoke truth about you, that would be trashing."

or 

"I've had to mow the lawn the last 3 times...."

or

"You need to work more hours"

or

"Maybe if you weren't so lazy & irresponsible....."

or

"All you care about is Kory."

or

"If you would pay attention to what I want, things would improve a lot"

or

"You don't even cook anything unless Kory wants it..."

(**Side note - REALLY????? You're so darn nice to me all the time, I can't imagine why I'm not compelled to do more for you!!)

Yeah, so some of this stuff is blazed into my pshyche like a brand, others I have actually just read in my e-mail or text messeges....

WOW!!

This explains and validates the feelings of inadequacy and the severely DARK moods and emotions I've experienced for all these years!

In reading parenting books, it is taught so clearly that what you repeatedly tell your child will quite possiblty eventually materialize...

So if you tell them they can do anything they put their minds to, or that they are really great Christian examples, or that they are beautiful inside & out, etc etc, then they will be!

AND VICE VERSA

That would lead me to believe that more negative reinforcement= a negative outcome!

DUH!!

I truly truly did everything I possibly could to prevent this demise.

BUT

I will say that since I FINALLY made the (quite educated) decision,

I have found peace.

I looked to the Lord, and He graciously answered my prayers.

God is love, and He grants me the opportunity to feel His love when I need it the most.

Only He knows the answers to all of my questions.  

Again, I thank you Lord for taking better care of me than anyone on this earth could.

I know I don't deserve your love and I am so very grateful for the grace You show me.

I know I've made the right decision and I know You will continue to care for me.

I love you. Thank you.