Looking Back....

HA!

I went back to the beginning and read my entire blog.

Sometimes, I am frightening, even to myself!

Then....I look back into the journals I have at home. The emotions penned within.

The (copied & saved) e-mail conversations.

"Notes" saved on my iPhone.

There have been a couple of times when there was actually a tiny hint of effort...

I know, however, the motivation behind those times. I won't elaborate because, publically, it's inappropriate.

AND I WONDER...

What in the world took me SO long to open my eyes to the reality of my situation?

I've been asked this question on numerous occasions.

How would I respond? My 'Pat' answer was:

"I have to do everything in my power or God will not be pleased with me."

Poor Kory. I hate that I put him through this. They say children are resilient.

TRUE!

Kory tells me that he knows without a doubt that I was always looking out for his best interest and that he's happy things turned out the way they have. He would have been overjoyed if I had just taken him out of the situation, but he is even happier now because it gave him the opportunity to see things clearly. No doubt in his mind that I have done the right thing. No doubt in mine either.

NOW....

No more:

"You can't work there!"

or

"That is so stupid!"

or

"You could really stand to lose some weight!"

or

"Let me say this real slow so you can get it:...."

or

"Did I not type that slow enough for you?"

or

"You are certifiably insane, crazy, loony...you need help"

or

"Isn't there a pill or something you can take for that?"

or

"Maybe if you weren't so difficult..."

or

"Why don't you do more around here?"

or

"I'm not trashing, If I spoke truth about you, that would be trashing."

or 

"I've had to mow the lawn the last 3 times...."

or

"You need to work more hours"

or

"Maybe if you weren't so lazy & irresponsible....."

or

"All you care about is Kory."

or

"If you would pay attention to what I want, things would improve a lot"

or

"You don't even cook anything unless Kory wants it..."

(**Side note - REALLY????? You're so darn nice to me all the time, I can't imagine why I'm not compelled to do more for you!!)

Yeah, so some of this stuff is blazed into my pshyche like a brand, others I have actually just read in my e-mail or text messeges....

WOW!!

This explains and validates the feelings of inadequacy and the severely DARK moods and emotions I've experienced for all these years!

In reading parenting books, it is taught so clearly that what you repeatedly tell your child will quite possiblty eventually materialize...

So if you tell them they can do anything they put their minds to, or that they are really great Christian examples, or that they are beautiful inside & out, etc etc, then they will be!

AND VICE VERSA

That would lead me to believe that more negative reinforcement= a negative outcome!

DUH!!

I truly truly did everything I possibly could to prevent this demise.

BUT

I will say that since I FINALLY made the (quite educated) decision,

I have found peace.

I looked to the Lord, and He graciously answered my prayers.

God is love, and He grants me the opportunity to feel His love when I need it the most.

Only He knows the answers to all of my questions.  

Again, I thank you Lord for taking better care of me than anyone on this earth could.

I know I don't deserve your love and I am so very grateful for the grace You show me.

I know I've made the right decision and I know You will continue to care for me.

I love you. Thank you.

Giving Thanks...

So many things to be thankful for today!

The most amazing son in the world.

Good Friends

A Loving Mommy

LOVE

The Ocean

Grizzly Bears

Great Co-workers

Snow Days

Pit Bulls

The time I had with Dad before he went to be with the Lord.

Kittens

Long walks on the beach.

Bunny Rabbits

Sunsets

ENDORPHINS!

Mountains

Camp fires

Deer

and SO MANY MORE!

BUT-

Most of all:

CHRIST!



Turn It Up!!

"Over You"

Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down,

Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left

Just left me cold and out of breath.

I fell too far, was in way too deep.

Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,

Dragged the memories down the hall,

Packed your bags and walked away.

There was nothing I could say.

And when you slammed the front door shut,

A lot of others opened up,

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

'Cause I got over you.

Well I got over you.

I got over you.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

"Last Kiss Goodbye"
Hinder


It's coming down outside another lonely night
You said you were just going out with your friends
I'm waiting up this time I hope you didn't lie
It never used to be like this way back when


I never know where you're at
Another train off the tracks
I don't wanna live like that, no

When you walked in so darn late
What the heck was I supposed to think
When you've had too much to drink
And you're really lookin guilty
When you wouldn't even look at me
There's only one thing it could be
You were with her all this time
Here's one last kiss goodbye

No more alibi's
No more little lies
You've broke my trust and it can't be fixed
Should've seen the signs
Should've recognized
The way your lips look like they'd been kissed

How'd we end up like that
Another train off the tracks
It always hurts looking back now
Another lesson learned in life
And I keep asking myself why

God's Wisdom

It just never ceases to amaze me how God works in my life. There are times when I feel I've had all that I can possibly handle and I'm about as low as I can possibly be....and that's when God sends me 'helpers'.

In all of the searches and studies that I've been involved with over the years, it seems that the Holy Spirit is our 'Helper' and will come to us in a variety of ways, some we may never even be aware of.

I have been so low in the past month or so.

I've been struggling so much with many things in many ways...mainly spiritually. The divorce has really been the kicker because it's something I said I would never do, no matter what. I feel like I've got no choice. I could list the many reasons for this decision, and I could 'bash' him for all the things he's done to contribute to the demise of this union, but I'm not into bashing anyone except myself! Rather than focus on the negative...

In just the past week I have: 

** Had 3 total strangers offer for me to follow their blogs, all of which are (seemingly according to their respective blogs) die-hard followers of Christ and they share their (God's) wisdom in their writings.

** Had my very best friend, who I was 'astranged' from for the past 4 years due to neglect of our friendship (mostly on my part) grant me forgiveness and we have re-connected, which brings me great joy!!

** Received numerous, stellar compliments from several different individuals in my personal and professional life. 

** Started to feel like I may actually be worth something after all.

Great breakthroughs! I ride this emotional rollercoaster continuously and the nadir was probably the lowest it's ever been this time. When I get into these nadirs, I know that I have to look to God and Him alone, but sometimes I don't tend to do that. I just keep sinking. I know in my soul that God sent me these little helpers to give me the little nudge I desperately needed to pull me back up. I am absolutely undeserving of His great love, but He showers me with it again and again anyway.

I thank all who pray for me.

I thank all who complimented me.

I thank all who are sharing your wisdom with me.

I know God led all of you to me.

Most of all, I thank God for loving me enough to not only send Jesus to die for me, but to continuously watch over me until I meet Him in the sky.

"Thank You Lord for Loving Me!"