Peace, Love & the Pacific

Well, well, well....those 3 things may not seem that they would go together....at least not the Pacific part...but for me, they blend beautifully.

PEACE: I have wanted to be home....really home for such a long time. My house has not felt like a home since....well, really ever. That is certainly sad to say, but it is so true. I won't elaborate because there is really no need to. I will simply say that Kory and I became so close for very good reason--we understand each other and we have both had to live in this environment for so many years that it just pushed us together! When you are limited on choices of who you can turn to, you choose who you can. I wish I had been a good influence and factor in his life LONG before I actually was, but we made up for lost time pretty well I think. He turned out to be an amazing young man, and I may not have taken much part in that....but we know who certainly had NO part in it! It just creates such a sadness in me. Deep sadness. I have been pondering this for quite some time now, and I really think that is the reason I am (well, have been) so intensely protective over him. Many say it's just what being a parent is about, and to some degree, this is probably true...but I know I took it over the top many times. I had too numerous to count discussions with him about his Christian walk, and how the decisions he was making would effect him later in life. There's part of a teen boy that a Mom just can't reach....and that definitely puts a pit in my stomach...but I am SO thankful that he  finally has a good man he can talk to who's related to him. He needs that role model so much. I can be at peace now....

LOVE: OH how I wish he would be honest with me though!! There are things... one specific thing, that he continues to choose to be dishonest with me about--even when there is no need! I don't know if that will ever change. I think it's because he's trying to 'protect' his 'secret'....which need not be a secret; well, really isn't a secret, he just thinks it is. LOL!! Love, OH Love....OH the many colors that you're made of....This is not derogatory AT ALL...it's just my absolute curiosity--why? I've asked it so many times before.....WHY? I have loved him AND his 'secret' all this time!! I don't think I've tried harder to PROVE that to anyone before! (well, except one, but he has NEVER noticed, and probably never will) It's as if I'm the only person involved in the whole situation who has ever messed up in the way I've dealt with things. True statement? Well NO!! EVERYONE involved has messed up in some way or another! It just seems to have more impact when it's ME doing the messing up. Why? I have painstakingly tried to get the message through to them all that I LOVE HER!! Yes, I confronted her about some things...it was my duty as a Christian to do so. Why, just today, I confronted someone I love about something...because it was my duty as a Christian. I would expect nothing less from my fellow Christians, and I HAVE been confronted myself...not by any of them (except Kor)...not in a Christian manner anyway. I certainly am not perfect (or even sort-of good for that matter) at doing the confronting, but I only said the FEW things I said out of love...for heaven's sake, I said the exact same things to him! & I love him more than life itself!  Well, I DID vent thru this very blog once...but it was out of sheer frustration over the fact that it's always got to be such a secret! I sincerely hope that will all change. How many different ways can you apologize to someone, beg their forgiveness and try to convince them that you really really love them? If everyone is Christian....how many times or ways should you even have to? Are we not commanded to forgive one another? I don't find it in my Bible anywhere where it tells you that you must grovel at someones feet for___ months or years before you deserve their forgiveness. I worked and worked on getting the communication going again so things wouldn't have to be so secretive....but still, I am lied to about things. I know this is true....the psychology that is used on me doesn't work. (sorry) I know with almost 100% certainty that even though he says otherwise, this is what he wants...and I am fairly certain that it's been going on the whole time....even before it was no longer "forbidden" (NOT by me, mind you.) Some day when we are all in the same place and we hear the music and turn around and lay eyes on the most beautiful girl we've all ever seen... maybe shed a tear (me--oh yes, I'll cry like a baby...joyful tears!) then maybe she (they) will know that I have never stopped loving her....it was the other way around. Yes, love IS made of many colors...I just hope that one day all the colors in THIS situation will blend.....and blend peacefully and beautifully. This is (and has been) my prayer the whole time. God WILL work this out for good, so long as we ALL keep Him in focus at our finish lines....

PACIFIC: So....I love the Pacific Ocean, just in case I've not mentioned this previously.

I've been contemplating having some work done on my left ankle for awhile now...sorta to match the right, but also simply because I like ink. So.....

Outside view (above)

Front (below)

Back (above)

Inside (below)

I feel more peace standing on a beach, watching the Pacific Ocean crashing against the shore, sending showers of sea water 20-30 feet into the air than I do anywhere else in the world. Why? I know that my God is bigger and more powerful than I can even fathom & the mighty waves help me keep that in the forefront of my mind. I am certain that's why I was so attracted to this particular piece. Randall (the artist) and I tweaked it a bit (minus yin-yang symbol, plus the peace sign!)  so it would be personal to me.

Mom and I planned to go together to get matching color...and she loves it so much that she plans to come over & have it done too! It will make me think every time I look down at it. Others need not understand this.

I am at home here. I have found my peace...love...and the Pacific! ;)